enchant the mind....

last goodbye

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 06:13:59 GMT

i have come to many what i would call profound conclusions in the last couple weeks and one of the lighter ones in particular i'm am going to share with anyone and everyone who cares to read this. i have been doing some reading by the dalai lama and i learned that compassion should rule as the overall mindset and that in order to achieve such it is best to find an environment in which one is comfortable and secure. notre dame was NOT that for me. i was quite the antithesis becuase of the people that go there and the pain they inflicted upon me. so thanks for my pain. it made me into who i am. i'm serious. from the dalai lama i also further studied the differnce between pleasure and happiness and the effect and meaning of both in relation to one's life. and i realized the need to disspell as many negativities out of my life as i have control over. as such, i am denouncing the internet. it is no more then a drama causing ambigous concept of no real existance. so i stopped going on aim. and people stopped talking to me altogether. and it hurt me deeply that i am so easily let go, so quickly forgotten. the pain of my realizations never ceases to plague me. does the internet really define a friendship? i had hoped not but i suppose the bitter reality is that it does. it pathetically has come to be. you may deny it but deep in your heart if you analyse the effect of the internet on your life you too will find it's negative nature. as such, since you probably don't give much of a shit about me anyways, i here proclaim the last of my live journal entires and the start of a happier more spiritual life.

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 02:41:54 GMT

if donnie darko was real i'd marry him. damn.

ugh

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 00:16:38 GMT

why is it that we've only been in school 2 fucking days and it feels like forever already?

the start anew

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 19:10:01 GMT

my life is going perks of being a wallflower style. but you know what? i think i like it.

it's so cool to have a group of people to chill with again. and to be accepted for just being me and automatically being brought into the group and being able to talk to them about everything and anything and they are supportive and there for me no matter what. why didn't i find these people sooner? i feel like they are all just like me. and it's great.

but now that i'm with these people i'm starting to question who it is i actually am. how long have i been putting on convers and giving people what they want to see just out of my longing to have friends? now that i finally feel like i can openly be exactly who i am, i wonder, who is it that i am? how do i know what to live for and how to make decisions if i'm not sure who the person is making the choices and living.

but you know, for the first time in my life, i'm not getting anxious worrying about them turning against me. i can't explain it. but that is how i feel. and it's great. i feel like i'm finally a part of something. i finally feel like i belong. and i will do anything to stay this way.

and so, it is here that i begin to present to you my "perks of being a wallflower"-like adventures. (i swear if i was a guy i would be charlie)

[i have to at least start SOME summer reading so i will begin to post the adventures soon]

sneak preview:
christining the source. and the side of the freeway about 5 times. base camp.

stay tuned......

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 00:33:15 GMT

my apologies to everyone and anyone for letting my morbid emotional side get the better of me. i do need to reevaluate values and try and keep the important ones the keep priorities. all apologies.

check it out:

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 22:36:58 GMT

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 01:21:30 GMT

to all:
2 more weeks of otis. i'm halfway through. a complete 2 weeks in santa monica. i'm going to stay the weekends now. because it's nice to live in civilization! and i'm procrastinating on all my hw due soon. boo that. so i'm amusing myself in odd ways at the moment...

to brandon:
...because i'm really upset that i don't get to hang out with you much anymore. (damn parental units!) i miss you! (because apparantly you are reading this now) LEAVE A MESSAGE!!! haha.

to sylvia and laura and jess:
hope you are all having an awesome summer and we definately need to have a girly hang out one of these days and CATCH UP!!!!! wow! i miss you guys!

to ashley:
long time no talking! i hope you are doing well and we NEED to have our adventure!!!!!!!!

to nic:
i have come to the conclusion that you can't say you like alice in wonderland until you've analysed it from a stoned perspective. that is SOOOOOOO not a kids movie! ever done that? it's fucking awesome. and you still need to visit me at otis!!!! only 2 more weeks!

to rachael and brandon:
last night was fun. life sucks but it definately has it's moments! thanks for making that one!

to whoever feels like reading this completely pointless comment:
i now need to stop procrastinating from a shit load of work. actually i need to start on my photo write up because i have to type it and won't have printing or internet access for the next 2 weeks again. ah fuck it. i'm going to go eat dinner and stress about it when i realize i'm back in santa monica with no typed report to turn in! haha.

update

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 18:33:35 GMT

well here i am in the otis college of art library because this dumbass here forgot all her negs at home so there is nothing to do in the darkroom. errrrrr. i make myself mad. oh well i'm really tired from being out late with brandon last night to see the screening of Dark Water. i liked it though it is sad so my recommendation is to go see it when it comes out. i saw the screening of charlie and the chocolate factory too(courtesy of brandon). that movie is soooo great! GO SEE IT(when it comes out!)

but anyways this college experience has been amazing! eight hours of drwing and photography EVERYDAY!!!! omg. my faith in school has been renewed and i am realizing more and more that photojournalism or as i have come to call it in the words of famous photojournalist marry ellen mark "social documentary photography". i think my dreams are coming closer to commencement. i am antisocial like no other so i can't say anything about the social aspects but the photo part is amazing. the perspective rawing makes me want to punch myself in the face but 1 seconds in a darkroom takes all frustrations away! (i am ging to die of photo developing chemical intoxication!) haha. damn it will be worth it!

staying in santa monica is amazing too! just being away from my parents for weeks is the greatest most refreshing thing i've experienced since that long shower yesterday. um.... okay. bad joke. point being it's amazing. and going home every once and a while makes me realize how much i hate my mom and how much my dad frustrates me. but that's another story in itself. and i really don't want to go home because my sister comes home saturday. if you don't know that tragedy just know everytime i think about her i want to cry. but that is another story in itself.... the weather is great here. always foggy and overcast. it's wonderful. i hate the sun. AND I"M CLOSE TO CIVILIZATION!!!! WOOOOOOO so much better then the boon docks of santa clarita. boo santa clarita. i get to take the bus to and from school everyday and if you want some entertainment ask me about the bus rides.

my teachers are amazing!!! i can't wait to get to talk with my drawing teacher everyday cuz he is jus tthe supercoolest (well, almost) and we really connect. i've never met an adult that is an older um opposite gender character clone of myself. it's crazy. he has to be just about one of the best teachers i've ever had! it's an amazing concept to have a "REAL" teacher that i actually like and learn from. (what a concept eh?) and my phototeacher is a really cool person. i can't say much for her as a teacher but she's a realy awesome person and we both know all the crazy cal-arts photo crowd so it's fun to connect with her.

but i could go on and on about this for forever so i better end this now before i get carried away. my apologies and sympathies to chris jordan (cj) for getting the crappy teachers here at otis. but i promise the rest of you this is an amazing experience.

i am finding my place in life.

finally.

:)

i got tagged.....

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 01:40:07 GMT

6 songs:

1. the times are a changing- bob dylan
2.)times of the season- the zombies
3. the wind- cat stevens
4, hands down- dashboard confessional
5. wake me up when september ends- green day
6. kissing the lipless- the shins

so now i pass it onto .....chikichica, lost flamingo, nicgarcia, jessy, chubby cheeks

that's right bitches!

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 05:36:53 GMT

"Dear Jacqueline,

Thank you for taking the Poetry IQ Test.

Your general poetic knowledge is determined by your answers to the objective multiple-choice questions and is presented below. This test of general poetic knowledge does not measure your creativity or have anything to do with your present ability or future potential to write good poetry. It assesses your technical knowledge of poetic structure, form, and technique.

To demonstrate your unique poetic creativity, submit your own original work to a free Poetry Contest. You could be eligible to win one of 1175 prizes totalling $58,000 that will be awarded to amateur poets in the coming months.

Your General Poetic Knowledge Score is 10 out of a possible 11.

You have an excellent grasp of poetic form, structure, and technique. People at this level have generally taken advanced-level study in literature or have completed advanced poetry courses. They have often spent considerable time writing, developing their own poetic "voice," and their own techniques. People at this level, particularly if they can apply their knowledge of poetic form and structure to their own work, are considered among the most talented of poetic artists."

so anyways. i have decided that the zombies are one of my current obsessions along with many other things. such as raising the phone bill talking to that certain someone for HOURS everyday and finding creative ways to get out to see him. and taking LOTS of pictures and pissing off my mom when she realizes i have at least 3 more rolls to get developed almost everyday! and i've also realized that the venice boardwalk is the shit. my dad had a nice pad there. too bad people were getting shot and he had to move. boo. well the phone awaits !!!!!!!!! .....

nothing of importance

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 19:48:39 GMT

1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you. 2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you. 3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be. 4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you. 5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you. 6. I will tell you what color you remind me of. 7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. 8. Put this in your journal

-----------------DESCRIBE------------------
[x] The shoes you wore today: 3 dollar black buckle shoes my sister gave me
[x] Your eyes: Hazel i guess, they change colors between green and brown and an inbetweenish grey
[x] Your fears: i have lots. where do you want me to begin?
-----------------WHAT IS------------------
[x] Your most overused phrase on aim: "haha"
[x] Your thoughts first waking up: here we go again!
[x] The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hmmmmm. looks don't mean much to me
[x] Your best physical feature: my eyes are the only things i actually like about myself
[x] Your bedtime: don't have one
[x] Your most missed memory: awwwwwww.... so many, just so many, .... santa barbara trip, warm embraces with that special someone... hmmmmmm, what else... so many so many
-----------------YOU PREFER------------------
[x] Pepsi or Coke: neither. i don't like soda
[x] McDonald's or Burger King: yuck! neither
[x] Single or group dates: never been on an official date.... but i would have to say single
[x] Adidas or Nike: don't wear either but i guess adidas DOWN WITH NIKE!!! THEY USE SWEATSHOPS!!
[x] Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate.
[x] Cappuccino or coffee: uhhhh.... don't drink coffe much
-----------------DO YOU------------------
[x] Smoke: not cigarettes.... uhoh! haha
[x] Curse: i really shouldn't..
[x] Take a shower everyday: Every other...but I'm thinking of changing it to every day.
[x] Have any crushes?: oh hell yes! (just one!)
[x] Who are they: nosy are we?
[x] Do you think you've been in love? no
[x] Want to go to college: i hate school
[x] Like high school: hell no! but i tolerate it to be with my friends
[x] Want to get married: actually.... kinda
[x] Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: i think so
[x] Believe in yourself: no
[x] Get motion sickness: no
[x] Think you're a health freak: i have to be... BOO
[x] Get along with your parents/guardian: i wish!
[x] Like thunderstorms: yea
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID / HAVE YOU--------------
[x] Gone to the mall: i'm ashamed to say yes...
[x] Eaten sushi: Yep
[x] Been on stage: yea
[x] Gone skating: No.
[x] Made homemade cookies:
[x] Dyed your hair: no
[x] Stolen anything: No.
-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
[x] Flown on a plane: Yes.
[x] Missed school because it was raining?: No.
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yes.
[x] Cried during a Movie?: Yes.
[x] Ever thought an animated character was hot?: um... NO.
[x] Had an imaginary friend: No actually.
[x] Cut your hair: no.
[x] Had crush on a teacher?: NO!!!!!.
[x] Been called a tease: no.
[x] Gotten beaten up?: No.
[x] Been in a fight: Yes.
[x] Shoplifted: i actually have not!.
-----------------THE FUTURE------------------
[x] Age you hope to be married: no idea
[x] Numbers of Children: NONE!!!
[x] Descibe your Dream Wedding: oh god, i've never even thought of that!!!
[x] How do you want to die?: i'm not the type of person you are supposed to ask these things
[x] What do you want to be when you grow up?: a photojournalist
[x] What country would you most like to visit?: india, thailand, tibet, mongolia, the french morrocco, istanbul, turkey, okay okay, i'll stop....
-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
[x] Best eye color: no preference
[x] Best hair color: no preference
[x] Short or long hair: on the longer side, kinda shaggy
[x] Best height: taller then me by a little, but not too much
[x] Best weight: uhhhhh, i dunno!
[x] Best first date location: depends....
[x] Best first kiss location: hmmmmm.....
-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
[x] Number of Boyfriends/Girlfriends: one in the past. don't ask about present...
[x] Number of drugs taken illegally: i'm supposed to keep track of these things?!
[x] Number of people I could trust with my life: hmmmmmm
[x] Number of CDs that I own: god, i can't even count them all!
[x] Number of piercing: once on my ears
[x] Number of tattoos: None.
[x] Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: several actually. journalists seem to like to quote me....
[x] Number of scars on my body: too many
[x] Number of things in my past that I regret: way too many
----------------FAVORITES------------------
[x] Shampoo: what ever my mom decides to buy...
[x] Fav Color(s): earth tones really, green, brown, grey. .... hmmmm
[x] Day/Night: depends on what is going on
[x] Summer/Winter: winter!!
[x] Lace or Satin: Lace.
[x] Fave Cartoon: hey arnold!!!
[x] Fave Food: hmmmmm.....
[x] Fave sport: long distance running
----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
[x] Right Now Wearing: brown cordoroy pants and a vintage 20's shirt
[x] Drinking: Nothing.
[x] Listening to: ani di franco's latest album "knuckle down"
---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
[x] Cried: only on the inside...
[x] Worn jeans: no. it's all about cordoroys
[x] Met someone new online: No.
[x] Done laundry: No.
[x] Drove a car: Yes. MY DRIVING TEST!!! eeK!
-----------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
[x] Yourself: i wish did....
[x] Your friends: i believe in them more then anything!!!
[x] Santa Claus: Nope.
[x] Tooth Fairy: No.
[x] Destiny/Fate: Yes.
[x] Angels: Yes.
[x] Ghosts: Yes.
[x] UFO's: No.
[x] God: Yes.
------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
[x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: nope. i love jacqueline. jackie doesn't seem to fit me and i hate my middle name. but whatever. i don't really think about it
[x] Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: now that is an interesting topic right now....
[x] Do you like anyone?: hee hee yes!
[x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: i'm a little like all my friends!
[x] Are you close to any family member?: my cousin rachael
[x] What's the best feeling in the world?: if only i could explain it.....
[x]What time is it now?: 12:48

WOO HOO!!!

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 19:09:32 GMT

i am now an offical LISCENCED CALIFORNIA DRIVER!!! woooooooooo!!!!!!!!

it's over now. i need to start breathing again.....

reveal myself....

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 02:59:03 GMT

If you could ask me two questions...
no matter how personal...
inappropriate...
or random...
What would you ask?

Ask me, and I promise to answer the question 100% truthfully.
Repost this and see what people want to ask you.

trust and connections

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 20:08:18 GMT

crescendo_nova

Exactly. Well said.

But when it comes to understanding each other, I think that's a hard spot. With the combinations of all the factors you mentioned how can we really understand someone unless we are that person? No one can come even come close to comprehending a pain that they've never experienced themselves. And once again if you add in the factors, that makes it even more difficult to identify with someone. [...]

it is a hard state of affairs to really connect with someone. or anyone really. that is why true friends are so rare and precious. but considering we really truly can't completely understand other people it is our intent and thoughts towards people that matter the most and the meaning we let them hold in our lives.

it also becomes almost a spiritual or supernatural (or whatever you want to call it) state of being that brings people together at times. certain people just find themselves connecting without completely knowing each other or understanding. but they connect. it's the meaning and feelings that people lend to each other.

and that involves alot of trust. to know that a someone is never going to fully understand your pain and tell them anyways. that is a powerful connection in itself to be able to trust on a personal level or trust at all. trust is more then sharing secrets, on a deeper level trust is making yourself vulnerable by letting another person attempt to share in your being. it's an attempt at unity; an attempt at something greater in life. i can't even count the times my attempts have failed and my trust in the world and others has been abused. everytime i think about it i start to cry. but i continue because i know it will one day happen. it is happening right now. i'm making deep connections with people i never would have thought and am finding people who seem to care enough to try and understand or at least listen. or at least read these posts and comment! (so thank yoU!)

but i know no one will ever understand the pains i've suffered. consequently i've been able to put so many other aspects of life in perspective. i've gained such a deeper understanding of life that i don't think i would have ever achieved if i hadn't been through what i have. people will never understand as much as they say they do. thus i'm able to better help other people and i know i'll never understand their pains either but i try and be there and try my best to be the best i can for every person i know. and i hope that that is enough. cuz i know for myself, just knowing people are there and knowing they genuinly care is often times enough.

so be there. really truly be there.

life is beyond the drama and superficialities.

so be there. really be there. and the connections will find themselves.

perception and relativity

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 20:06:03 GMT

this summer has only begun but is refreshing me as no vacations do. i'm starting my life, my chance to be me, to think to dwell to feel. and simply be. my cousin left this morning, played sitar and spaced out in thought so i figured i would type out that promised response to kristina's comment:

"sillylittlemen
2005-06-07 17:55 (link)
you're hilarious and i love you, heh, remember, though, you can tell people thier problems are not as bad as others... and you may be right, but in thier minds, it's usually the worst thing ever, then, by telling them it's not a big deal, they begin to feel guilty... which worsens the situation, but, overall, i'm impressed at your amount of thought on the subject, and agree with you on many things, thank you for writing something inteligent... as most people on lj fail to do, heh"

well, i look at it this way. it all comes back to perception and relativity. when both of those are taken in account and understood people can freely talk and connect without the hindrances of miscommunication or misunderstandings. so here is the thought:

every person stands at just a slightly different angle of life therefore everyone sees things slightly different. no one will view exactly the same thing exactly the same way. people can be close and can even come to understand and more often appreciate other perspectives no one will hold the same perception of things. even if you were to clone a person and have them stand in the exact same spot as the original person, they will see different things.

this is where the idea of relativity comes into play. a person can be further defined by the experiences they have endured. indeed the past is indicative of the present just as the present will set the stage for tommorrow and the moments to come. and because everyone stands in a slightly different spot, even if people experience the same things, they will be effected differently by the situations and surroundings because of "relativity". make sense?

so in order to talk to someone about thier problems or worries or concerns it is important to understand the person in order to better understand the elements of thier being that are contributing to their "pain". i quote the word pain to bring up another idea. this is the idea that every one has different pain tolerances, physically and emotionally. while one person may cry over a stomach ache, it may take a broken rib cage or protruding bone to send another person to tears. granted, one must understand that there are different degrees even of physical pain. you could have a stomach ache from too much junk food or a stomach ache from acid reflux disease. another factor in itself is the actual degree of pain. but what may be "depression" to one person could be a low empty feeling while to another it could be the desires of suicide or eternal sleep. or how a broken heart can make one person want to kill themselves while abuse and neglect could make another person go over the edge of life.

but in reality, the point remains that if people want to truly understand each other they need to take into account relativity and perception as well as that person's tolerance of their actual degree of pain. but also, if a person begins to feel guilty over what they realized they are feeling, maybe it was just a wake up call to reality or a wake up call to meaning. so many people are so far gone, this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing for some people, just for some people. but not for everyone.

but to quote a wise source (aka the perks of being a wallflower) here is the ultimate truth of the matter.

"I know that people have it alot worse. i do know that, but it's crashing in anyway. . . "

"so i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. . . .

". . . And even if sombody has it much worse, that doesn't change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."

". . . Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. . . because it's okay to feel things. and be who you are about them."

so yea. my mind isn't very clear right now so hopefully this makes sense but this is all up for individual contemplation and i would love to hear your thoughts. so COMMENT HERE!!!!!!!

woo hoo for more adventures!

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 20:10:13 GMT

well i'm starting the summer with a bang!!! my cousin is my savior this weekend so we are compltely adventuring!!! omg!! so my promised follow-up thoughtful entry will come later!!!

more adventures....

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 19:16:46 GMT

my life seems to be guided by an unseen hand of fate. i've lost control and am standing watching as my life spins on around me. that hand is pushing and pulling me. guiding me. my surroundings are changing. i'm just trying to have my mind keep up with reality.

i owe sylvia the biggest THANK YOU ever! especially for last night! you are so awesome for opening up these opportunities for me. i wish i could return the favor somehow. let me know if there is any thing i can ever do!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

but you know, i don't think i mind were this fate is leading me. i'm scared as my past remains a cursed influence of my present. the median of rational thought and genuine passion will lead me through. and time continues to pass.

lalalalalalalalala ponderponderponder thinkthinkthink wonderwonderwonder hmmmmm

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 23:32:42 GMT

lalalalalalalalala thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink ponderponderponderponderponder spazspazspazspazspaz ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

why does life have to get so messy? why are certain people drawn to certain lifestyles and make certain choices? so many people have so many problems, not like "OMG MY HAIR" or "omg look at that guy!" or people whining in self pity because life isn't perfect to what they want. not everything is always supposed to work. that is just part of life. there is a reason things don't work, or become difficult. i honestly really believe that. but people have real problems, true issues, dabilitating setbacks and [insert adj. here] [insert plural noun here]. why create your own woes? no one should need anything to moan about anything. is that how you want to focus your life? being sad isn't cool. nor is it attention retrieving. the look of an emo kid or punker or goth, does not have to be backed up with deceptive attitudes. deceptive to your true being. why deny who you are? what image is so important that you deny yourself? do you want to live an image? or live a life? think about that. really think.

are you thinking?

they have done studies on the brain that found that the right prefrontal cortex contains negative ("people who are inclined to fall prey to negative emotions displayed a pattern of persistent activity in regions of their right prefrontal cortex. those with more positive temperaments the activity occured in the left prefrontal cortex instead. ...the Tibetan lama's baseline of activity proved to be much farther to the left of anyone preciously tested." -national geographic article on "the mind" in march 2005 issue can you tell i'm an avid reader? haha) and the left prefrontal cortex contains the positive. they have found that the tibetan monks that meditate can gain control of the left prefrontal cortex over the right. dwelling in the negative will give you something to complain about becausethat side of the brain takes over. be thankful you have life. be thankful you are healthy, and strong, and can eat whatever the fuck you want whenever the fuck you want. i could go on for forever.

attitude and perspective are seriously such a great part in this. the more you dwell in the negative the more your subconscious psychological state will be drawn to the negatives. like a magnet. it's a dependancy, an addiction. if you are really happy or even content in life, don't change that. people wait and try lifetimes to achieve a happy state. don't screw yourself. also, do'nt confuse being confused to self or lost in life to depression, to sadness, to living a lie. life isn't going to be flawless regardless of how happy you are. i would not define happiness as being "happy" but being comfortable in one's life, stable in one's normal flux of emotions, being able to live life as fully as one chooses. if you have truly suffered pain, then i think you will understand this. being "happy" does not imply loosing a certain range of emotions. like i said, not everything is perfect for a reason. there is much to be gained from the hard times. it's commonly called "maturity through adversity". and i truly believe it because i have experienced it. i would not be able to read philosophy, contemplate life, write poetry, understand the things i do if it weren't for all the experiences i've gone through and suffered.

i also believe that the other good side of problems is this: when one is "happy" one does not question. when you don't question, you don't learn, you don't grow. you stay the same. because if you are happy, what are you questioning? why would you question? don't question a good thing they always say! and it's true. when there is a seemingly random day off from school, do you really care why? or an even better example being, when a teacher says no hw, are you going to question that? i certainly hope not! but when one is uncontent with one's surroundings or one's life or ect. one logically will question. "why am i suffering?" "why am i in pain?" "what is the reason for this?" "WHY WHY WHY????" you know what i mean? i bet you've done it. and do you question then reavert your focus? i doubt it. you think, you ponder, you question. AHA!! a sign of intelligence! the ability to analyse, to rationalize, to interpret, to understand, and to even think such thoughts! and to then be able to express what you are thinking clearly and eloquently. such a gift! truly a talent.

but i also don't want to give the impression that only question when there are problems. certainly you can achieve such a thought process without problems. but one must be content and stable enough to truly tap into themselves to reach such a contemplative state.

i'm not really sure why i typed all this. but hopefully you learned something about yourself, your status, you life, your perspective, or something along those lines. whenever i am impulsed to do something there always turns out to be a reason. so hopefully someone will get something out of this. please let me know if you do.

long and lasting

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 05:08:29 GMT

i need a hug.

meet jacqueline:

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 04:53:22 GMT

You scored as Loner.

</td>

Loner

94%

Stoner

69%

Goth

56%

Geek

50%

Punk/Rebel

38%

Drama nerd

38%

Ghetto gangsta

13%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

Mon, 30 May 2005 20:35:30 GMT

association and memories surpass the floodgates in my mind. stability the death of defense. it all rushes back. someone please, show me the meaning of life!

yesterday was crazy. i'm bored out of my mind and need salvation! thank you so much jess for being there for my last night and having to be exposed to a pin head equivalent of my family life.

people in my house need to stop barfing. this is really nasty. gah! (my sister and i are the only healthy people in the household!)

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME!!!

and to think i might not have lived to be there...

Sat, 28 May 2005 17:42:24 GMT

my friends are the greatest people in the world. i can only hope that everyone has an equal equivalent of the greatness of these people though i doubt anyone could sum up to what they are to me. they are Laura, Jessica, and Sylvia! my girls! woooo our adventures are the greatest in the world! they never fail to make me happy despite the feelings i hold on the inside. i was so depressed but after yesterday afternoon, i'm so happy again.

so i was sitting in math class 4th period thinking, "ah fuck this!" i text jess and laura and am like, "can we please hang out today?" and so we decide to road trip out to my house. laura and i take our skirts off (yes we were wearing shorts!) and fly them out the window on the freeway! we had a mix cd i made blasting! we were eating marshmellows. laura had one halfway in her mouth, i poke it, then i pull my finger back and as i do that, the marshmellow fies across the car, hits the dashboard, leaves a couple of nasty looking marks and we loose it somewhere under jessica's feet. so i start leaning over to look for it and then we realize that from the perspective of the people in the other cars this would look morbidly wrong! jess finally finds it and it is covered in hair and lint and she hands it to laura who eats it!!! EWWWWW!!!! haha. then we all start headbanging to the music and our hair is all going everwhere! it was so great!

it is intersting how the smallest decision can take life in a completely different direction. the freeways were so horrible cuz of all the memorial day travelers so we decide to get off the 405 and take the 118. that leads us into northridge where we keep wandering to avoid traffic. we keep rolling down the window to talk to the people in the cars next to us to find our way to the santa clarita valley. we want to cut this truck off that is going so fucking slow! so we drive on the wrong side of the street to get around them and end up in front of that truck for a long time. the traffic gets so bad that we are hardly moving. so laura and i get out of the car, run around it and then get back in. (chinese fire drill) it was so histarical! the guys in the truck behind us were laughing so hard! then we put our heads out of the window and stretch over the top and shake hands. i swear we were the entertainment for all the people sitting on the streets too! ew the horny hispanic truck drivers! ew! we got them aroused! you should have done the marshmellow thing laura! and then us trying to figure out whether the person in the car in front of us was a guy or a girl. so laura and i get out and start running along on the side walk, realize it was a guy and keep running along the sidewalk, i in my boxers and laura in her booty shorts. it was so funny. then we hear jessica screaming because sylvia is attacking her or something. and we were about a block away too! we get to the end of the street and i realize that the bottom of my feet (we were barefoot the whole time) were completely blistered over. ouch! i'm trying to think what else we did..... we are so weird it's great!

we finally get onto san fernando road and boulevard of broken dreams by green day comes up on the cd. laura and i start screming along to it at the top of our lungs! we need to get into a turn lane so we cut this guy off who probably wanted to kill us. and then everyone that cut us off we honked at and flipped off. we are such hypocrites! haha.

at my house, i make a mess making milkshakes (we used an entire carton of ice cream! woo!) and jess is chasing my dog around the backyard and then trying to coax my cat out from under my sister's bed. then my dog escapes and we have to chase her around the neighborhood to get her back. and then the 4 of us eat half of a really really big pizza and milkshakes. ahhh it was great! jess and sylvia come back to the door after they left and laura was like, they must have forgotten something. well, they did, i guess you could say, THEY FORGOT HOW TO GET HOME! hahahahaha! laura and i play n64 until her dad gets there. when everyone left my mom was laughing and was like, "you guys are goofy!" and my dad just looked distubed. but i'm assuming my parents didn't mind because my mom said that i can have them over whenever and she will feed us whatever! and my dad was like, you should have them over to swim! AWESOME!!! but i still laugh at sylvia's warning, "you feed them once they'll keep coming back! i let them over once and now they won't leave!" haha. i wish i lived closer to everyone. but oh well. i makes for good road trips!

i'm listening to the flaming lips cd that nic gave me!!! he gave me his actual cd! that is the sweetest and coolest thing ever!!! wow! THANK YOU SO SO SO SOOOOOOOO MUCH! you are amazing!

i love you all! you are all the greatest part of my life, my friends are my life! thanks for being who you all are! I LOVE YOU!!!

prom night 2005

Sat, 21 May 2005 22:29:27 GMT

well, i'm not going to prom. nope nope nope. but fuck that. tonight is going to be ultimately the shit anyways. i'll post about that later.

went swimmming last night. LET THE SUMMER BEGIN!!! got my haircut this morning so i'm waiting for my ride out to adventure!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! i'm so excited.

and my sitar will be shipped monday so i should get it by next friday hopefully. i should call scott. sister comes home saturday. i can't wait to see her!

the darkness is slowly fading to the back of my mind. things are going good.

WOO HOO!!!

Fri, 20 May 2005 01:02:24 GMT

you are now reading the first entry by jackie-who-now-owns-a-sitar!!! hell yes! that is right bitch! i won the bid!

let this comment make it to the record:
WOO HOO!!!

another lame blog thingy that is kinda true:

Mon, 16 May 2005 05:10:10 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?